Celebrity Fashion Disasters

I need to make something clear: even though this is the second time she’s appeared on this blog, I love Tyra Banks.  I think she’s sweet, stylish, and awesome.  I also think she’s egotistical and narcissistic though, especially after this past season of ANTM.  It has become painfully clear that she’s trying to steal the attention away from all her bright young little proteges.  The opening credits focus in on Miss Tyra almost exclusively, and at every panel this last season, she stands at the front of the room in a warrior stance which is clearly designed to keep all eyes — and cameras — on her and her alone.

All of this would be well and good, except for the things she chooses to wear when she does this.  Case in point: the picture to your left.  I mean, I have never seen anything go from outrageously poofy to almost nauseatingly tight in all my years.  This is kind of like a mullet outfit: 80s at the top, 70s disco at the bottom, and it needs to go away fast.

Quite frankly, her clothing choices only emphasize the idea that she is trying to keep all the attention on her.  One wonders what she feels so threatened by — is it the not-so-lovely Paulina, who tries and fails to be a Janice?  Is it her darling little proteges?  Is it Miss J, with his to-die-for legs?

Whatever the case, I find this outfit pretty well sums up the rather dry and disappointing season — i.e., I hope I never, ever have to see it again.  …even though I’ll probably want all the repeats on VH1 and MTV.

What’s wrong with this picture — besides Shannen Doherty’s face, I mean?  She has got to be embarrassed here: to be standing beside a glamorous, airbrushed picture that makes her look far more attractive than she actually is, wearing something so unflattering that she should have added a brown paper bag to wear over her head to complete the ensemble.

Let’s take this piece by piece, shall we?  First of all, nice … cape, or whatever, Shannen.  Glad to see you’re ready for Halloween — or else still reliving your Charmed days, in which case, I think you forgot your broom, witchy poo.

Secondly, nice shirt.  What is that?  Polyester?  Spandex?  I don’t know, but it sure makes her boobs look shiny.

Point the third: uhm … is she wearing leggings?  Because it really looks like she’s wearing leggings.  And she really shouldn’t.

And finally, what the heck is up with those fugly, knock-off Uggs?  Seriously, I have Shannen’s Barbie doll from way back in the day, and I dressed her better than this.  All in all, I love the irony of her posing like a bitchy frump next to a frigging glamour shot.  Way to come up in the world, Brenda!

Guys?  I have to be honest with you, I hate Kim Stewart.  It makes me sad because I love her dad.  I love her dad even more than my parents do, and they were actually alive and cognizant when Rod Stewart was popular.  But man, I hate his daughter.  Part of it is because she spends her time playing the retarded underdog to the hot mess that is Paris Hilton (riding off on a runaway cycle and flashing her stuff to a watching nation, anyone?).  Part of it is just her face – she looks just like her dad, man, and that’s bad.

Part of it is the fact that she does crap like this.  I mean hello?  It looks, to me, like she’s trying to look like Sam Ronson – you know, Lilo’s adorable, androgynous little paramour.  Plus, I’m sorry, but when your dress is so short it looks like a long shirt, it’s just a bit trashy to wear a coat that falls to the same length.  She looks like she’s going for classy but fell off the wagon somewhere.  Also, she gets major points off for allowing herself to get photographed in the same frame as someone wearing something so floral it makes my eyes bleed.

Okay, I … look.  I am kind of broken right now.  I … I like Parker Posey, all right?  She is – well, she’s kind of heinous looking most of the time and she has a mouth made to wear braces ala Best in Show.  However, she’s one heck of an actress and extremely funny.  Her performances in Christopher Guest’s movies (Best in Show, A Mighty Wind, For Your Consideration – among some of my favorite movies) are pure genius.  She is quirky.  It is awesome.

This outfit is quirky too.  But it is not awesome.  It is not even a fashion disaster.  It is a fashion debacle.  I mean … is she wearing cat whiskers?  What is that?  And what is that bag?  And what is the matter with that ribbon?  Is it caught in A Mighty Wind?  Or is it supposed to be stiff like that?  Maybe she uses it to stab people when they tell her that her top is too loose, her skirt is too tight, her straps are falling down, and it looks like she’s wearing cat whiskers and carrying a fluffy animal.

That is Lily Allen.  And that is Lily Allen’s dress.  They need to be introduced separately because, clearly, that dress is an entity all on its own. …unfortunately.

I have to be honest with you, I know who Lily Allen is?  And yet I have no clue who she actually is or what she does – besides making my job just a little bit easier.  There are so many things wrong with this thing that the term “celebrity fashion disaster” isn’t even good enough.  This is a celebrity fashion debacle.  So let’s dissect, shall we?

First of all, why so many layers, Lily?  Are you trying to make yourself look like a hippopotamus?  Because it’s working.  Actually, with that sash/belt/restraint around your waist, you also look like one of those big Christmas presents that your parents don’t even really bother wrapping, because it’s 5am on Christmas morning and they know you’re going to wake up in two minutes anyway.

Secondly, did you just pull down your shower curtain and wrap it around yourself, all willy nilly?  You did, didn’t you?  Aww … that’s sad.

Thirdly, where the hell did your neck go?  I know it’s there, but that pose makes it look like it’s not.  So I’m going to start calling you FrankenLily, and you’re going to like it.  Cow.

Uh.  Dude.  I am so sick of Victoria Beckham walking out of her house, looking like a damn frigged up fool.  Does she realize that this dress makes her look like she has grown copious amounts of back hair?  Honestly, that fur makes me think that, secretly, her shoulder blades are so covered with fuzz, it’s starting to creep out of the back of her dress.  Think Adam Sandler’s 8 Crazy Nights.  You know Whitey?  Without his shirt, on the basket ball court?  Yeah.  “Posh” here could be the illegitimate progeny of Whitey and his imaginary wife.

Beckham signature?  Only if that “signature” involves not knowing out to dress.  Also, I don’t know what’s going on with V-Beck’s torso here, but her boob area looks seriously messed up and it’s making me uncomfortable.  I will say, I can totally understand why she and Katie Holmes are so completely BFFs.  Clearly they shop at the same haute couture dumpster.

In closing I would just like to say that this dress looks like something leftover from the recent Drag Queen challenge on Project Runway.

Clearly, Paula Abdul must have woke up and found that she “was Spellbound,” to go outside of her house in that dress.  I feel so sorry for this woman.  Honestly, I don’t know if she’s a total addict, completely oblivious, or a combination of the two.

I do know one thing, though.  If Simon Cowell can critique the daylights out of every single American Idol wannabe in life, why doesn’t he mosey on over to Paula’s house before she goes out in public, and make her cry in order to keep celebrity fashion disasters like this from happening?  Because seriously?  In all honest?  This looks like a Barbie doll dress.  One of the Bob Mackie ones that no one really wants to buy because they’re ass ugly — but they buy them anyway so that they can say they own something “original.”

Either that, or she’s trying to look like Cher, ala Mermaids.  Brrrr…

I can’t … I just … I am so sick of her.  I am sick — and tired.

I don’t even know what to say anymore.  I really don’t.  I don’t even know if there’s anything worth saying.  I mean, okay.  She’s getting photographed everywhere with her frigging pants legs cuffed into frigging capris, and then there’s this steaming hot mess.

This is Kat(i)e Married-to-a-Crazy-Midget Holmes at the Tropic Thunder premiere.  You should she the rest of the pictures: Kate and Tom — how suburban WASP, oh my! — grinning maniacal, shark like grins at the photographer, as if they are preparing to devour him.  Like either of them have any right to be grinning.  Like they have something to be proud of.

I don’t know what’s with the apparent grip tape — or is that pleather?  or vinyl?  jeezum crow! — binding her up.  I don’t get the bodice at all.  But more than anything I don’t get that unflattering, poofy helmet of a hairstyle.  Seriously, it’s like she’s preparing herself to be the suburban, Scientologist housewife.  Soon, those rolled up jeans will turn into mom jeans, complete with high water hems.  She’ll be telling the soccer coach not to put any antiseptic spray onto Suri’s scraped knee, because ZOMG IT’S OF THE DEVIL!

I have issues with Maggie Gyllenhaal. For one thing, she looks too much like Kirsten Dunst – enough to make me think that Mrs. Gyllenhaal secretly had triplets, but clearly had to give Kirsten up for adoption because of her horribly mutated teeth and snark-kitten face. For another, I alone in all the world have not yet seen the new Batman flick (I am waiting until I am more emotionally prepared), yet all I hear about is how she is the sole, steaming piece of crap in the entire film. Well great, Maggie, thanks; they should have starred your brother as the leading lady, he’d likely have more chemistry with the sorely missed Health Ledger anyway, and with the Dark Knight himself.

But anyway, the dresses she’s worn on the premiere junket – holy serious celebrity fashion disasters, Batman! She looks like crap, too!

1. I had horrible pajamas like that once. I thought they were “sexy.” It was 1997 and I was 15. What does that tell you, Maggie?

2. I think maybe that wouldn’t be so bad except that … wow, toga. Velvet toga. Clearly right after this she was going to a photo shoot for cover of the new bared-heaving-bosom romance novel.

3. I … hm. Is she … she’s wearing a very visible bra, under safety-cone, fluorescent orange. But look close – is that a frigging slip, too? What … I can’t. I’m sorry. I can’t even think of anything to describe that horror. She’s like an emaciated, sloppy pumpkin. She’s like that one grade school teacher who always had her bra strap or her slip hem showing.

4. Just … wear a flipping burlap sack next time, you insufferable, oblivious, sloppy cow.

You know, maybe there is something to the idea that a vengeful (and equally fashion impaired) Katie Holmes had something to do with this…

Hm. This is Lindsay Lohan. I would like to say that this outfit is cute. I really would. I mean, Lindsay’s having a hard time of it lately – and I am proud to say that I am part of that. See? But like I said before – she’s kind of asking for it, and I have no sympathy for it. None.

So I would like Lindsay to know that a.) that was my frigging name first, and my spelling wins; and b.) Liza Minnelli called, and she’d really like her dress … slip … thing back. Seriously, does that not look like it belongs in Las Vegas? Preferably in some dark, forgotten casino, where no one will ever have to see it again. I get the fact that the girl has nice legs – I admit that, I’ve come to terms with it. But does the hem really need to be that high? Really? Is she trying to make someone else Photoshop some panties onto her?

I do, however, applaud the fedora. Unfortunately, no one with an orange tan should ever be allowed to wear one.