Celebrity Fashion Disasters

What’s wrong with this picture — besides Shannen Doherty’s face, I mean?  She has got to be embarrassed here: to be standing beside a glamorous, airbrushed picture that makes her look far more attractive than she actually is, wearing something so unflattering that she should have added a brown paper bag to wear over her head to complete the ensemble.

Let’s take this piece by piece, shall we?  First of all, nice … cape, or whatever, Shannen.  Glad to see you’re ready for Halloween — or else still reliving your Charmed days, in which case, I think you forgot your broom, witchy poo.

Secondly, nice shirt.  What is that?  Polyester?  Spandex?  I don’t know, but it sure makes her boobs look shiny.

Point the third: uhm … is she wearing leggings?  Because it really looks like she’s wearing leggings.  And she really shouldn’t.

And finally, what the heck is up with those fugly, knock-off Uggs?  Seriously, I have Shannen’s Barbie doll from way back in the day, and I dressed her better than this.  All in all, I love the irony of her posing like a bitchy frump next to a frigging glamour shot.  Way to come up in the world, Brenda!

Oh, for frig’s sake.  I am so sick of Anne Hathaway.  I am tired of her face, her voice, her (lack of) acting abilities, and I am especially tired of the hot mess that has to reside in her closet.

Does she not realize how ridiculous she’s been looking on the red carpet?  And what the funk is this dress?  I cannot get over the color design.  Seriously?  It keeps drawing me in, hypnotizing me with how god awfully horrible it is.

Do you know what it looks like?  It looks like the design is there just to illustrate the shape of my body.  Look at it.  Look at it really, really closely.  It’s like: “Here are my boobs and then when the lines squeeze in really tiny, omg!  There’s my teeny tiny tummy!  Then when these hideously colored stripes flare out again, omg omg!  There are my wonderful hips which help give me the perfect hourglass figure!  Then, see, look how long my legs are!  Look how they taper!  This would all be great and I’d be a total hottie … except for the fact that I’m a butter face.”  Awww.

Guys?  I have to be honest with you, I hate Kim Stewart.  It makes me sad because I love her dad.  I love her dad even more than my parents do, and they were actually alive and cognizant when Rod Stewart was popular.  But man, I hate his daughter.  Part of it is because she spends her time playing the retarded underdog to the hot mess that is Paris Hilton (riding off on a runaway cycle and flashing her stuff to a watching nation, anyone?).  Part of it is just her face – she looks just like her dad, man, and that’s bad.

Part of it is the fact that she does crap like this.  I mean hello?  It looks, to me, like she’s trying to look like Sam Ronson – you know, Lilo’s adorable, androgynous little paramour.  Plus, I’m sorry, but when your dress is so short it looks like a long shirt, it’s just a bit trashy to wear a coat that falls to the same length.  She looks like she’s going for classy but fell off the wagon somewhere.  Also, she gets major points off for allowing herself to get photographed in the same frame as someone wearing something so floral it makes my eyes bleed.

Okay, I … look.  I am kind of broken right now.  I … I like Parker Posey, all right?  She is – well, she’s kind of heinous looking most of the time and she has a mouth made to wear braces ala Best in Show.  However, she’s one heck of an actress and extremely funny.  Her performances in Christopher Guest’s movies (Best in Show, A Mighty Wind, For Your Consideration – among some of my favorite movies) are pure genius.  She is quirky.  It is awesome.

This outfit is quirky too.  But it is not awesome.  It is not even a fashion disaster.  It is a fashion debacle.  I mean … is she wearing cat whiskers?  What is that?  And what is that bag?  And what is the matter with that ribbon?  Is it caught in A Mighty Wind?  Or is it supposed to be stiff like that?  Maybe she uses it to stab people when they tell her that her top is too loose, her skirt is too tight, her straps are falling down, and it looks like she’s wearing cat whiskers and carrying a fluffy animal.

That is Lily Allen.  And that is Lily Allen’s dress.  They need to be introduced separately because, clearly, that dress is an entity all on its own. …unfortunately.

I have to be honest with you, I know who Lily Allen is?  And yet I have no clue who she actually is or what she does – besides making my job just a little bit easier.  There are so many things wrong with this thing that the term “celebrity fashion disaster” isn’t even good enough.  This is a celebrity fashion debacle.  So let’s dissect, shall we?

First of all, why so many layers, Lily?  Are you trying to make yourself look like a hippopotamus?  Because it’s working.  Actually, with that sash/belt/restraint around your waist, you also look like one of those big Christmas presents that your parents don’t even really bother wrapping, because it’s 5am on Christmas morning and they know you’re going to wake up in two minutes anyway.

Secondly, did you just pull down your shower curtain and wrap it around yourself, all willy nilly?  You did, didn’t you?  Aww … that’s sad.

Thirdly, where the hell did your neck go?  I know it’s there, but that pose makes it look like it’s not.  So I’m going to start calling you FrankenLily, and you’re going to like it.  Cow.

Uh.  Dude.  I am so sick of Victoria Beckham walking out of her house, looking like a damn frigged up fool.  Does she realize that this dress makes her look like she has grown copious amounts of back hair?  Honestly, that fur makes me think that, secretly, her shoulder blades are so covered with fuzz, it’s starting to creep out of the back of her dress.  Think Adam Sandler’s 8 Crazy Nights.  You know Whitey?  Without his shirt, on the basket ball court?  Yeah.  “Posh” here could be the illegitimate progeny of Whitey and his imaginary wife.

Beckham signature?  Only if that “signature” involves not knowing out to dress.  Also, I don’t know what’s going on with V-Beck’s torso here, but her boob area looks seriously messed up and it’s making me uncomfortable.  I will say, I can totally understand why she and Katie Holmes are so completely BFFs.  Clearly they shop at the same haute couture dumpster.

In closing I would just like to say that this dress looks like something leftover from the recent Drag Queen challenge on Project Runway.

I have issues with Maggie Gyllenhaal. For one thing, she looks too much like Kirsten Dunst – enough to make me think that Mrs. Gyllenhaal secretly had triplets, but clearly had to give Kirsten up for adoption because of her horribly mutated teeth and snark-kitten face. For another, I alone in all the world have not yet seen the new Batman flick (I am waiting until I am more emotionally prepared), yet all I hear about is how she is the sole, steaming piece of crap in the entire film. Well great, Maggie, thanks; they should have starred your brother as the leading lady, he’d likely have more chemistry with the sorely missed Health Ledger anyway, and with the Dark Knight himself.

But anyway, the dresses she’s worn on the premiere junket – holy serious celebrity fashion disasters, Batman! She looks like crap, too!

1. I had horrible pajamas like that once. I thought they were “sexy.” It was 1997 and I was 15. What does that tell you, Maggie?

2. I think maybe that wouldn’t be so bad except that … wow, toga. Velvet toga. Clearly right after this she was going to a photo shoot for cover of the new bared-heaving-bosom romance novel.

3. I … hm. Is she … she’s wearing a very visible bra, under safety-cone, fluorescent orange. But look close – is that a frigging slip, too? What … I can’t. I’m sorry. I can’t even think of anything to describe that horror. She’s like an emaciated, sloppy pumpkin. She’s like that one grade school teacher who always had her bra strap or her slip hem showing.

4. Just … wear a flipping burlap sack next time, you insufferable, oblivious, sloppy cow.

You know, maybe there is something to the idea that a vengeful (and equally fashion impaired) Katie Holmes had something to do with this…

Hm. This is Lindsay Lohan. I would like to say that this outfit is cute. I really would. I mean, Lindsay’s having a hard time of it lately – and I am proud to say that I am part of that. See? But like I said before – she’s kind of asking for it, and I have no sympathy for it. None.

So I would like Lindsay to know that a.) that was my frigging name first, and my spelling wins; and b.) Liza Minnelli called, and she’d really like her dress … slip … thing back. Seriously, does that not look like it belongs in Las Vegas? Preferably in some dark, forgotten casino, where no one will ever have to see it again. I get the fact that the girl has nice legs – I admit that, I’ve come to terms with it. But does the hem really need to be that high? Really? Is she trying to make someone else Photoshop some panties onto her?

I do, however, applaud the fedora. Unfortunately, no one with an orange tan should ever be allowed to wear one.

Guess what? It’s Two for One day here at Celebrity Fashion Disasters! I finally figured out why Tom let Kat(i)e go out of the house like this – because he doesn’t have a darn bit of fashion sense either. Is it just me, or does he look a little bit like Gilligan here? It’s not just the khakis and the striped shirt, it’s what he’s doing with his leg – what the eff is he doing with his leg?!

And Katie … okay. This would be totally cute, but what is up with the shoes? And the rolled cuffs? What is up with the shoes and the rolled cuffs? She rolled the cuffs of her jeans up … to wear high heeled shoes – open toed sandal shoes, even, with … is she wearing socks? Because those look a little too thick to be pantyhose.

What is the matter with these people? Jeez, Tom’s got Gilligan’s walk, and Katie’s got his hair. At least she has the good sense to look like she’s ashamed of being seen in that … and with that.

I have no idea, whatsoever, what is worse about this picture of Lindsay Lohan.  Actually, I have this feeling that I don’t really need to say or point out anything.  A picture is worth a thousand snarks, after all. 

But … what’s the fun of staying quiet?  Poor Lindsay, she is just a trainwreck all the way around, and you’d think she’d realize a few things by now.  Such as:

1. She is a magnet for the paparazzi.
2. She should never, ever, ever go out of the house looking like this.
3. Since her mom has a frigging TV show now, she’s getting more attention than ever.
4. People are not kind to you if your name is Lindsay Lohan and you routinely flash your girl bits, hurt yourself in stupefying ways, enter and exit (and enter and exit, and enter and exit; lather, rinse, repeat) rehab, look like a homeless lady, and do various other odd things that always get written up in newspapers and on blogs.

Not only is this disastrous fashion debacle shapeless, unflattering, and just hideous all the way around, but who let her go out in public with that hat like she thinks she’s anywhere near as hot as Eminem, and hey, what’s up with the face?  Not the expression, her skin; honey, get some Bare Minerals or something.