Celebrity Fashion Disasters

Okay, I … look.  I am kind of broken right now.  I … I like Parker Posey, all right?  She is – well, she’s kind of heinous looking most of the time and she has a mouth made to wear braces ala Best in Show.  However, she’s one heck of an actress and extremely funny.  Her performances in Christopher Guest’s movies (Best in Show, A Mighty Wind, For Your Consideration – among some of my favorite movies) are pure genius.  She is quirky.  It is awesome.

This outfit is quirky too.  But it is not awesome.  It is not even a fashion disaster.  It is a fashion debacle.  I mean … is she wearing cat whiskers?  What is that?  And what is that bag?  And what is the matter with that ribbon?  Is it caught in A Mighty Wind?  Or is it supposed to be stiff like that?  Maybe she uses it to stab people when they tell her that her top is too loose, her skirt is too tight, her straps are falling down, and it looks like she’s wearing cat whiskers and carrying a fluffy animal.

Clearly, Paula Abdul must have woke up and found that she “was Spellbound,” to go outside of her house in that dress.  I feel so sorry for this woman.  Honestly, I don’t know if she’s a total addict, completely oblivious, or a combination of the two.

I do know one thing, though.  If Simon Cowell can critique the daylights out of every single American Idol wannabe in life, why doesn’t he mosey on over to Paula’s house before she goes out in public, and make her cry in order to keep celebrity fashion disasters like this from happening?  Because seriously?  In all honest?  This looks like a Barbie doll dress.  One of the Bob Mackie ones that no one really wants to buy because they’re ass ugly — but they buy them anyway so that they can say they own something “original.”

Either that, or she’s trying to look like Cher, ala Mermaids.  Brrrr…

I can’t … I just … I am so sick of her.  I am sick — and tired.

I don’t even know what to say anymore.  I really don’t.  I don’t even know if there’s anything worth saying.  I mean, okay.  She’s getting photographed everywhere with her frigging pants legs cuffed into frigging capris, and then there’s this steaming hot mess.

This is Kat(i)e Married-to-a-Crazy-Midget Holmes at the Tropic Thunder premiere.  You should she the rest of the pictures: Kate and Tom — how suburban WASP, oh my! — grinning maniacal, shark like grins at the photographer, as if they are preparing to devour him.  Like either of them have any right to be grinning.  Like they have something to be proud of.

I don’t know what’s with the apparent grip tape — or is that pleather?  or vinyl?  jeezum crow! — binding her up.  I don’t get the bodice at all.  But more than anything I don’t get that unflattering, poofy helmet of a hairstyle.  Seriously, it’s like she’s preparing herself to be the suburban, Scientologist housewife.  Soon, those rolled up jeans will turn into mom jeans, complete with high water hems.  She’ll be telling the soccer coach not to put any antiseptic spray onto Suri’s scraped knee, because ZOMG IT’S OF THE DEVIL!

Hm. This is Lindsay Lohan. I would like to say that this outfit is cute. I really would. I mean, Lindsay’s having a hard time of it lately – and I am proud to say that I am part of that. See? But like I said before – she’s kind of asking for it, and I have no sympathy for it. None.

So I would like Lindsay to know that a.) that was my frigging name first, and my spelling wins; and b.) Liza Minnelli called, and she’d really like her dress … slip … thing back. Seriously, does that not look like it belongs in Las Vegas? Preferably in some dark, forgotten casino, where no one will ever have to see it again. I get the fact that the girl has nice legs – I admit that, I’ve come to terms with it. But does the hem really need to be that high? Really? Is she trying to make someone else Photoshop some panties onto her?

I do, however, applaud the fedora. Unfortunately, no one with an orange tan should ever be allowed to wear one.

Guess what? It’s Two for One day here at Celebrity Fashion Disasters! I finally figured out why Tom let Kat(i)e go out of the house like this – because he doesn’t have a darn bit of fashion sense either. Is it just me, or does he look a little bit like Gilligan here? It’s not just the khakis and the striped shirt, it’s what he’s doing with his leg – what the eff is he doing with his leg?!

And Katie … okay. This would be totally cute, but what is up with the shoes? And the rolled cuffs? What is up with the shoes and the rolled cuffs? She rolled the cuffs of her jeans up … to wear high heeled shoes – open toed sandal shoes, even, with … is she wearing socks? Because those look a little too thick to be pantyhose.

What is the matter with these people? Jeez, Tom’s got Gilligan’s walk, and Katie’s got his hair. At least she has the good sense to look like she’s ashamed of being seen in that … and with that.

I have no idea, whatsoever, what is worse about this picture of Lindsay Lohan.  Actually, I have this feeling that I don’t really need to say or point out anything.  A picture is worth a thousand snarks, after all. 

But … what’s the fun of staying quiet?  Poor Lindsay, she is just a trainwreck all the way around, and you’d think she’d realize a few things by now.  Such as:

1. She is a magnet for the paparazzi.
2. She should never, ever, ever go out of the house looking like this.
3. Since her mom has a frigging TV show now, she’s getting more attention than ever.
4. People are not kind to you if your name is Lindsay Lohan and you routinely flash your girl bits, hurt yourself in stupefying ways, enter and exit (and enter and exit, and enter and exit; lather, rinse, repeat) rehab, look like a homeless lady, and do various other odd things that always get written up in newspapers and on blogs.

Not only is this disastrous fashion debacle shapeless, unflattering, and just hideous all the way around, but who let her go out in public with that hat like she thinks she’s anywhere near as hot as Eminem, and hey, what’s up with the face?  Not the expression, her skin; honey, get some Bare Minerals or something.

Oh, Mary-Kate Olsen. She has to be the biggest piece of evidence in existent that not all identical twins are created equal. Just about everyone seems to be in agreement about the fact that Ashley must have gotten the “I do not look like I reached into my closet, in the dark, after a bender, and pulled out the first thing I touched” gene. Ashley’s had her fashion disasters as well, but those are tame next to the debacles in which Mary-Kate is all too frequently seen. This particular disaster is just … there are no words. There are none. It is shapeless, unflattering, the color is awful, the silhouette is appalling, and how is it that even though this dress … thing has an uber plunging neckline, she still looks like she has absolutely no neck whatsoever?

Uhm. Ew. While some folks are saying that Rhianna looks like a Scarlett O’Hara wannabe, I have to disagree. The ruffles and the lavishness, yeah, all right, those are pretty Gone with the Wind, but Miss Scarlett had it going on, even when she had to do herself up in the curtains. This looks more like Rhianna tried to get innovative with a bedspread or something – maybe a Martha Stewart design, or one of K-Mart’s blue light specials. She looks like a happy little ray of sunshine threw up on her. She looks like a lemon cupcake with the frosting overflowing – to the point of taking over the world. It’s possible – only just, but possible all the same – that if the shade of yellow was a little less brazen, the color at least would look lovely with her skin tones. But, seriously? Honestly? Really and truly? Was she going to the BET Awards, or a debutante ball? Was this perhaps her coming out party? At least she wasn’t wearing elbow length gloves.

I will say, however, that Miss Thing’s hair is rocking.

Oh, Mischa, Mischa, Mischa… Little Miss Barton is normally adorable. For someone who’s been known to rub elbows with the illustrious Paris Hilton, it’s not so surprising that the former star of the OC usually looks cool and trendy. Sure, she’s had a few slip ups, but none of them have been so disastrously bad. Maybe it’s the season for bad, seventies-style fashions, but something needs to give, because home girl looks like she’s channeling Cher – circa 1970 but without the legs to pull it off quite as well. Now, I’m not saying she has bad legs by any means – but Cher still has legs up to her butt, and Mischa’s look a little stumpy in this outfit. Maybe if the boots were a little taller; I’d say maybe if the skirt were a little shorter, but uh … I think we’ve seen quite enough celebrity crotch-shot’s for a while. And the purple fringe vest? I’m sorry. My vocabulary isn’t extensive enough to describe that hot mess.

Head’s up, my little fashionistas: we have a first. We’ve got a dude on the celebrity fashion disaster radar. Whether you’re still in the way-back machine and calling him Puff Daddy, Puffy, P. Diddy, Diddy, or plain old Sean, he’s evolved into a serious fashion forerunner all the years – I mean, this man is stylish … until he sees a red carpet, and then it’s like waving a red flag in front of a bull or something. Instead of charging, Diddy snags the first white tuxedo jacket he can find. Does he design them strictly for that purpose? Or maybe his next reality show is going to involve him putting together a team of cocktail waiters, and he just wants to be real with it. It’s just so … seventies. If he’d even just worn a black shirt with a black tie instead, it really could have worked, but this is just … cheesy.