Celebrity Fashion Disasters

I want all of you little fashionistas out here to know that I am risking the wrath of my beloved, High School Musical loving fiance to mock the way Vanessa Hudgens dresses — just for you.  Seriously, my girl thinks this chick is the cutest thing since sliced bread.  To which I have to say, “But darling, have you seen the way she dresses on the red carpet?  Do you realize that the Red Carpet is not like the prom?”  Indeed, does Vanessa realize this?  I get the feeling she was going for an Audrey Hepburn kind of look but then decided that sticking a bunch of fake silk flowers all over her chest would make her look “edgy.”  What do you want to bet little Zac Efron was trying to take a sniff the whole night?

I generally like Dita Von Teese — generally.  Her whole retro thing is cute, and you only have to look at someone like Katy Perry to see that it’s also inspiring.  But Bettie Page, grandmother of us all, would not agree with this.  I see the point — bright red shoes, sunny yellow dress, altogether gay look (i.e., gay as it was used way back when this look was the new thing).  But … no.  It’s too shiny, it does not look retro — it looks like something Judy Jetson might have worn on a Very Special Prom episode, and that just ain’t cool.  The sad thing is that Dita’s working it well — the turn of her angle, the slant of her shoulders.  But really, she would have been better off if she just went totally burlesque and let that dress at home.

Oh, for frig’s sake.  I am so sick of Anne Hathaway.  I am tired of her face, her voice, her (lack of) acting abilities, and I am especially tired of the hot mess that has to reside in her closet.

Does she not realize how ridiculous she’s been looking on the red carpet?  And what the funk is this dress?  I cannot get over the color design.  Seriously?  It keeps drawing me in, hypnotizing me with how god awfully horrible it is.

Do you know what it looks like?  It looks like the design is there just to illustrate the shape of my body.  Look at it.  Look at it really, really closely.  It’s like: “Here are my boobs and then when the lines squeeze in really tiny, omg!  There’s my teeny tiny tummy!  Then when these hideously colored stripes flare out again, omg omg!  There are my wonderful hips which help give me the perfect hourglass figure!  Then, see, look how long my legs are!  Look how they taper!  This would all be great and I’d be a total hottie … except for the fact that I’m a butter face.”  Awww.

Okay, I … look.  I am kind of broken right now.  I … I like Parker Posey, all right?  She is – well, she’s kind of heinous looking most of the time and she has a mouth made to wear braces ala Best in Show.  However, she’s one heck of an actress and extremely funny.  Her performances in Christopher Guest’s movies (Best in Show, A Mighty Wind, For Your Consideration – among some of my favorite movies) are pure genius.  She is quirky.  It is awesome.

This outfit is quirky too.  But it is not awesome.  It is not even a fashion disaster.  It is a fashion debacle.  I mean … is she wearing cat whiskers?  What is that?  And what is that bag?  And what is the matter with that ribbon?  Is it caught in A Mighty Wind?  Or is it supposed to be stiff like that?  Maybe she uses it to stab people when they tell her that her top is too loose, her skirt is too tight, her straps are falling down, and it looks like she’s wearing cat whiskers and carrying a fluffy animal.

That is Lily Allen.  And that is Lily Allen’s dress.  They need to be introduced separately because, clearly, that dress is an entity all on its own. …unfortunately.

I have to be honest with you, I know who Lily Allen is?  And yet I have no clue who she actually is or what she does – besides making my job just a little bit easier.  There are so many things wrong with this thing that the term “celebrity fashion disaster” isn’t even good enough.  This is a celebrity fashion debacle.  So let’s dissect, shall we?

First of all, why so many layers, Lily?  Are you trying to make yourself look like a hippopotamus?  Because it’s working.  Actually, with that sash/belt/restraint around your waist, you also look like one of those big Christmas presents that your parents don’t even really bother wrapping, because it’s 5am on Christmas morning and they know you’re going to wake up in two minutes anyway.

Secondly, did you just pull down your shower curtain and wrap it around yourself, all willy nilly?  You did, didn’t you?  Aww … that’s sad.

Thirdly, where the hell did your neck go?  I know it’s there, but that pose makes it look like it’s not.  So I’m going to start calling you FrankenLily, and you’re going to like it.  Cow.

Uh.  Dude.  I am so sick of Victoria Beckham walking out of her house, looking like a damn frigged up fool.  Does she realize that this dress makes her look like she has grown copious amounts of back hair?  Honestly, that fur makes me think that, secretly, her shoulder blades are so covered with fuzz, it’s starting to creep out of the back of her dress.  Think Adam Sandler’s 8 Crazy Nights.  You know Whitey?  Without his shirt, on the basket ball court?  Yeah.  “Posh” here could be the illegitimate progeny of Whitey and his imaginary wife.

Beckham signature?  Only if that “signature” involves not knowing out to dress.  Also, I don’t know what’s going on with V-Beck’s torso here, but her boob area looks seriously messed up and it’s making me uncomfortable.  I will say, I can totally understand why she and Katie Holmes are so completely BFFs.  Clearly they shop at the same haute couture dumpster.

In closing I would just like to say that this dress looks like something leftover from the recent Drag Queen challenge on Project Runway.

Clearly, Paula Abdul must have woke up and found that she “was Spellbound,” to go outside of her house in that dress.  I feel so sorry for this woman.  Honestly, I don’t know if she’s a total addict, completely oblivious, or a combination of the two.

I do know one thing, though.  If Simon Cowell can critique the daylights out of every single American Idol wannabe in life, why doesn’t he mosey on over to Paula’s house before she goes out in public, and make her cry in order to keep celebrity fashion disasters like this from happening?  Because seriously?  In all honest?  This looks like a Barbie doll dress.  One of the Bob Mackie ones that no one really wants to buy because they’re ass ugly — but they buy them anyway so that they can say they own something “original.”

Either that, or she’s trying to look like Cher, ala Mermaids.  Brrrr…

I can’t … I just … I am so sick of her.  I am sick — and tired.

I don’t even know what to say anymore.  I really don’t.  I don’t even know if there’s anything worth saying.  I mean, okay.  She’s getting photographed everywhere with her frigging pants legs cuffed into frigging capris, and then there’s this steaming hot mess.

This is Kat(i)e Married-to-a-Crazy-Midget Holmes at the Tropic Thunder premiere.  You should she the rest of the pictures: Kate and Tom — how suburban WASP, oh my! — grinning maniacal, shark like grins at the photographer, as if they are preparing to devour him.  Like either of them have any right to be grinning.  Like they have something to be proud of.

I don’t know what’s with the apparent grip tape — or is that pleather?  or vinyl?  jeezum crow! — binding her up.  I don’t get the bodice at all.  But more than anything I don’t get that unflattering, poofy helmet of a hairstyle.  Seriously, it’s like she’s preparing herself to be the suburban, Scientologist housewife.  Soon, those rolled up jeans will turn into mom jeans, complete with high water hems.  She’ll be telling the soccer coach not to put any antiseptic spray onto Suri’s scraped knee, because ZOMG IT’S OF THE DEVIL!

I have issues with Maggie Gyllenhaal. For one thing, she looks too much like Kirsten Dunst – enough to make me think that Mrs. Gyllenhaal secretly had triplets, but clearly had to give Kirsten up for adoption because of her horribly mutated teeth and snark-kitten face. For another, I alone in all the world have not yet seen the new Batman flick (I am waiting until I am more emotionally prepared), yet all I hear about is how she is the sole, steaming piece of crap in the entire film. Well great, Maggie, thanks; they should have starred your brother as the leading lady, he’d likely have more chemistry with the sorely missed Health Ledger anyway, and with the Dark Knight himself.

But anyway, the dresses she’s worn on the premiere junket – holy serious celebrity fashion disasters, Batman! She looks like crap, too!

1. I had horrible pajamas like that once. I thought they were “sexy.” It was 1997 and I was 15. What does that tell you, Maggie?

2. I think maybe that wouldn’t be so bad except that … wow, toga. Velvet toga. Clearly right after this she was going to a photo shoot for cover of the new bared-heaving-bosom romance novel.

3. I … hm. Is she … she’s wearing a very visible bra, under safety-cone, fluorescent orange. But look close – is that a frigging slip, too? What … I can’t. I’m sorry. I can’t even think of anything to describe that horror. She’s like an emaciated, sloppy pumpkin. She’s like that one grade school teacher who always had her bra strap or her slip hem showing.

4. Just … wear a flipping burlap sack next time, you insufferable, oblivious, sloppy cow.

You know, maybe there is something to the idea that a vengeful (and equally fashion impaired) Katie Holmes had something to do with this…

Hm. This is Lindsay Lohan. I would like to say that this outfit is cute. I really would. I mean, Lindsay’s having a hard time of it lately – and I am proud to say that I am part of that. See? But like I said before – she’s kind of asking for it, and I have no sympathy for it. None.

So I would like Lindsay to know that a.) that was my frigging name first, and my spelling wins; and b.) Liza Minnelli called, and she’d really like her dress … slip … thing back. Seriously, does that not look like it belongs in Las Vegas? Preferably in some dark, forgotten casino, where no one will ever have to see it again. I get the fact that the girl has nice legs – I admit that, I’ve come to terms with it. But does the hem really need to be that high? Really? Is she trying to make someone else Photoshop some panties onto her?

I do, however, applaud the fedora. Unfortunately, no one with an orange tan should ever be allowed to wear one.