I want all of you little fashionistas out here to know that I am risking the wrath of my beloved, High School Musical loving fiance to mock the way Vanessa Hudgens dresses — just for you. Seriously, my girl thinks this chick is the cutest thing since sliced bread. To which I have to say, “But darling, have you seen the way she dresses on the red carpet? Do you realize that the Red Carpet is not like the prom?” Indeed, does Vanessa realize this? I get the feeling she was going for an Audrey Hepburn kind of look but then decided that sticking a bunch of fake silk flowers all over her chest would make her look “edgy.” What do you want to bet little Zac Efron was trying to take a sniff the whole night?
I generally like Dita Von Teese — generally. Her whole retro thing is cute, and you only have to look at someone like Katy Perry to see that it’s also inspiring. But Bettie Page, grandmother of us all, would not agree with this. I see the point — bright red shoes, sunny yellow dress, altogether gay look (i.e., gay as it was used way back when this look was the new thing). But … no. It’s too shiny, it does not look retro — it looks like something Judy Jetson might have worn on a Very Special Prom episode, and that just ain’t cool. The sad thing is that Dita’s working it well — the turn of her angle, the slant of her shoulders. But really, she would have been better off if she just went totally burlesque and let that dress at home.
I … hate Kirsten Dunst. Have I told you guys that? I hope so, but even if I haven’t, it bears repeating, because I really hate her. I don’t like her voice, I don’t like her acting, and oh my god but do I ever despise her weird little snarky kitten face.
However, all of this makes me a little more sympathetic to her notoriously horrible fashion sense. See, if you had a face like that, would you really bother to dress it up with anything? Honestly. She could wear the latest designs — I mean, the latest decent looking designs — and she’d still have a face like a trainwreck. This current disaster, though, she’s outdone herself. You fail at life, Kirsten. Instead of diverting attention from your abnormal face with that big, Victorian, ruffled bib, you’re just making sure that people keep staring at you to see why exactly your features are so oddly asymmetrical.
Emma Watson is all grown up! Or so she would like us to believe, apparently, because it looks like she’s trying to channel Lindsay Lohan here … and she needs to stop it, right now.
I have to be honest — I’m not the biggest Harry Potter fan. I haven’t really read the books, I pay minimal attention to the movies, and it kind of irks me that I still know Emma Watson play Hermione (however, I cannot pronounce it intelligibly; I usually end up calling her Herm-i-own and I do not care). I am constantly accosted with all the character’s; I have literally seen Harry Potter’s magic wand. I’m guessing that since Emma presumably does not have a wand to brandish in a series of pictures, she chooses instead to emulate a former teen star trainwreck, in order to convince everyone that she will not be pigeonholed as a precious, pint sized little witched destined to marry some ugly red headed kid.
I actually wouldn’t mind this outfit so much … if it did not make her chest and shoulder area look so inordinately large that I keep staring at this picture and expecting a little gratuitous nip slip. She needs to go get back into her Hogwarts outfit or whatever it is, and quit pretending she can sit at the big kid table.
I need to make something clear: even though this is the second time she’s appeared on this blog, I love Tyra Banks. I think she’s sweet, stylish, and awesome. I also think she’s egotistical and narcissistic though, especially after this past season of ANTM. It has become painfully clear that she’s trying to steal the attention away from all her bright young little proteges. The opening credits focus in on Miss Tyra almost exclusively, and at every panel this last season, she stands at the front of the room in a warrior stance which is clearly designed to keep all eyes — and cameras — on her and her alone.
All of this would be well and good, except for the things she chooses to wear when she does this. Case in point: the picture to your left. I mean, I have never seen anything go from outrageously poofy to almost nauseatingly tight in all my years. This is kind of like a mullet outfit: 80s at the top, 70s disco at the bottom, and it needs to go away fast.
Quite frankly, her clothing choices only emphasize the idea that she is trying to keep all the attention on her. One wonders what she feels so threatened by — is it the not-so-lovely Paulina, who tries and fails to be a Janice? Is it her darling little proteges? Is it Miss J, with his to-die-for legs?
Whatever the case, I find this outfit pretty well sums up the rather dry and disappointing season — i.e., I hope I never, ever have to see it again. …even though I’ll probably want all the repeats on VH1 and MTV.
What’s wrong with this picture — besides Shannen Doherty’s face, I mean? She has got to be embarrassed here: to be standing beside a glamorous, airbrushed picture that makes her look far more attractive than she actually is, wearing something so unflattering that she should have added a brown paper bag to wear over her head to complete the ensemble.
Let’s take this piece by piece, shall we? First of all, nice … cape, or whatever, Shannen. Glad to see you’re ready for Halloween — or else still reliving your Charmed days, in which case, I think you forgot your broom, witchy poo.
Secondly, nice shirt. What is that? Polyester? Spandex? I don’t know, but it sure makes her boobs look shiny.
Point the third: uhm … is she wearing leggings? Because it really looks like she’s wearing leggings. And she really shouldn’t.
And finally, what the heck is up with those fugly, knock-off Uggs? Seriously, I have Shannen’s Barbie doll from way back in the day, and I dressed her better than this. All in all, I love the irony of her posing like a bitchy frump next to a frigging glamour shot. Way to come up in the world, Brenda!
Oh, for frig’s sake. I am so sick of Anne Hathaway. I am tired of her face, her voice, her (lack of) acting abilities, and I am especially tired of the hot mess that has to reside in her closet.
Does she not realize how ridiculous she’s been looking on the red carpet? And what the funk is this dress? I cannot get over the color design. Seriously? It keeps drawing me in, hypnotizing me with how god awfully horrible it is.
Do you know what it looks like? It looks like the design is there just to illustrate the shape of my body. Look at it. Look at it really, really closely. It’s like: “Here are my boobs and then when the lines squeeze in really tiny, omg! There’s my teeny tiny tummy! Then when these hideously colored stripes flare out again, omg omg! There are my wonderful hips which help give me the perfect hourglass figure! Then, see, look how long my legs are! Look how they taper! This would all be great and I’d be a total hottie … except for the fact that I’m a butter face.” Awww. 
Guys? I have to be honest with you, I hate Kim Stewart. It makes me sad because I love her dad. I love her dad even more than my parents do, and they were actually alive and cognizant when Rod Stewart was popular. But man, I hate his daughter. Part of it is because she spends her time playing the retarded underdog to the hot mess that is Paris Hilton (riding off on a runaway cycle and flashing her stuff to a watching nation, anyone?). Part of it is just her face – she looks just like her dad, man, and that’s bad.
Part of it is the fact that she does crap like this. I mean hello? It looks, to me, like she’s trying to look like Sam Ronson – you know, Lilo’s adorable, androgynous little paramour. Plus, I’m sorry, but when your dress is so short it looks like a long shirt, it’s just a bit trashy to wear a coat that falls to the same length. She looks like she’s going for classy but fell off the wagon somewhere. Also, she gets major points off for allowing herself to get photographed in the same frame as someone wearing something so floral it makes my eyes bleed.
Okay, I … look. I am kind of broken right now. I … I like Parker Posey, all right? She is – well, she’s kind of heinous looking most of the time and she has a mouth made to wear braces ala Best in Show. However, she’s one heck of an actress and extremely funny. Her performances in Christopher Guest’s movies (Best in Show, A Mighty Wind, For Your Consideration – among some of my favorite movies) are pure genius. She is quirky. It is awesome.
This outfit is quirky too. But it is not awesome. It is not even a fashion disaster. It is a fashion debacle. I mean … is she wearing cat whiskers? What is that? And what is that bag? And what is the matter with that ribbon? Is it caught in A Mighty Wind? Or is it supposed to be stiff like that? Maybe she uses it to stab people when they tell her that her top is too loose, her skirt is too tight, her straps are falling down, and it looks like she’s wearing cat whiskers and carrying a fluffy animal.
That is Lily Allen. And that is Lily Allen’s dress. They need to be introduced separately because, clearly, that dress is an entity all on its own. …unfortunately.
I have to be honest with you, I know who Lily Allen is? And yet I have no clue who she actually is or what she does – besides making my job just a little bit easier. There are so many things wrong with this thing that the term “celebrity fashion disaster” isn’t even good enough. This is a celebrity fashion debacle. So let’s dissect, shall we?
First of all, why so many layers, Lily? Are you trying to make yourself look like a hippopotamus? Because it’s working. Actually, with that sash/belt/restraint around your waist, you also look like one of those big Christmas presents that your parents don’t even really bother wrapping, because it’s 5am on Christmas morning and they know you’re going to wake up in two minutes anyway.
Secondly, did you just pull down your shower curtain and wrap it around yourself, all willy nilly? You did, didn’t you? Aww … that’s sad.
Thirdly, where the hell did your neck go? I know it’s there, but that pose makes it look like it’s not. So I’m going to start calling you FrankenLily, and you’re going to like it. Cow.
