Celebrity Fashion Disasters

I have no idea, whatsoever, what is worse about this picture of Lindsay Lohan.  Actually, I have this feeling that I don’t really need to say or point out anything.  A picture is worth a thousand snarks, after all. 

But … what’s the fun of staying quiet?  Poor Lindsay, she is just a trainwreck all the way around, and you’d think she’d realize a few things by now.  Such as:

1. She is a magnet for the paparazzi.
2. She should never, ever, ever go out of the house looking like this.
3. Since her mom has a frigging TV show now, she’s getting more attention than ever.
4. People are not kind to you if your name is Lindsay Lohan and you routinely flash your girl bits, hurt yourself in stupefying ways, enter and exit (and enter and exit, and enter and exit; lather, rinse, repeat) rehab, look like a homeless lady, and do various other odd things that always get written up in newspapers and on blogs.

Not only is this disastrous fashion debacle shapeless, unflattering, and just hideous all the way around, but who let her go out in public with that hat like she thinks she’s anywhere near as hot as Eminem, and hey, what’s up with the face?  Not the expression, her skin; honey, get some Bare Minerals or something.

Oh, Mary-Kate Olsen. She has to be the biggest piece of evidence in existent that not all identical twins are created equal. Just about everyone seems to be in agreement about the fact that Ashley must have gotten the “I do not look like I reached into my closet, in the dark, after a bender, and pulled out the first thing I touched” gene. Ashley’s had her fashion disasters as well, but those are tame next to the debacles in which Mary-Kate is all too frequently seen. This particular disaster is just … there are no words. There are none. It is shapeless, unflattering, the color is awful, the silhouette is appalling, and how is it that even though this dress … thing has an uber plunging neckline, she still looks like she has absolutely no neck whatsoever?

Uhm. Ew. While some folks are saying that Rhianna looks like a Scarlett O’Hara wannabe, I have to disagree. The ruffles and the lavishness, yeah, all right, those are pretty Gone with the Wind, but Miss Scarlett had it going on, even when she had to do herself up in the curtains. This looks more like Rhianna tried to get innovative with a bedspread or something – maybe a Martha Stewart design, or one of K-Mart’s blue light specials. She looks like a happy little ray of sunshine threw up on her. She looks like a lemon cupcake with the frosting overflowing – to the point of taking over the world. It’s possible – only just, but possible all the same – that if the shade of yellow was a little less brazen, the color at least would look lovely with her skin tones. But, seriously? Honestly? Really and truly? Was she going to the BET Awards, or a debutante ball? Was this perhaps her coming out party? At least she wasn’t wearing elbow length gloves.

I will say, however, that Miss Thing’s hair is rocking.

Oh, Mischa, Mischa, Mischa… Little Miss Barton is normally adorable. For someone who’s been known to rub elbows with the illustrious Paris Hilton, it’s not so surprising that the former star of the OC usually looks cool and trendy. Sure, she’s had a few slip ups, but none of them have been so disastrously bad. Maybe it’s the season for bad, seventies-style fashions, but something needs to give, because home girl looks like she’s channeling Cher – circa 1970 but without the legs to pull it off quite as well. Now, I’m not saying she has bad legs by any means – but Cher still has legs up to her butt, and Mischa’s look a little stumpy in this outfit. Maybe if the boots were a little taller; I’d say maybe if the skirt were a little shorter, but uh … I think we’ve seen quite enough celebrity crotch-shot’s for a while. And the purple fringe vest? I’m sorry. My vocabulary isn’t extensive enough to describe that hot mess.

Head’s up, my little fashionistas: we have a first. We’ve got a dude on the celebrity fashion disaster radar. Whether you’re still in the way-back machine and calling him Puff Daddy, Puffy, P. Diddy, Diddy, or plain old Sean, he’s evolved into a serious fashion forerunner all the years – I mean, this man is stylish … until he sees a red carpet, and then it’s like waving a red flag in front of a bull or something. Instead of charging, Diddy snags the first white tuxedo jacket he can find. Does he design them strictly for that purpose? Or maybe his next reality show is going to involve him putting together a team of cocktail waiters, and he just wants to be real with it. It’s just so … seventies. If he’d even just worn a black shirt with a black tie instead, it really could have worked, but this is just … cheesy.

Sigourney Weaver … she … well, geez. Just look at that. Do I really need to say anything? Of course I don’t … but when has that ever stopped me? After all, Miss Fashion (is someday going to be) famous for saying … typing … out loud what everyone else is secretly thinking. Miss Fashion is (going to be!) a voice for the people! Miss Fashion – is talking in the third-person again and got sidetracked, anyway.

I thought I’d be lamenting over all the debacles that showed up at the Daytime Emmy’s for weeks, but then came the premiere of Wall-E, and this happened. This … this heinous, hideous, eye-bleedingly bright concoction. Sigourney is usually so classic; her outfits usually match her cool, sophisticated good looks. There is usually the most subtle trace of hauteur in the way she looks, acts, speaks, and dresses – and then, there’s this. I can only assume that, since Wall-E is something of a kid’s movie, and light-spirited and fun anyway, she decided to try to appeal to them? But I think this will only appeal to children who are color blind. Royal blue and orange? At least the shirt makes her look thin … I guess…

Oh man. First of all, Miss Fashion here has to make something clear: I love Tyra Banks. I think she is an absolute goddess, not to mention an extremely strong woman – even though she does have a tendency to talk about herself a little too much. You know, like if you told her that once, when you were a kid, the Loch Ness Monster tried to eat you, she would say something like, “Oh wow! That reminds me of the time Armani took me to see The Cat in the Hat,” or something totally unrelated like that. But that’s all right, I forgive her ego. I cannot, however, forgive her fashion faux pas. See that purple dress? She used that as an example of what not to do on the red carpet, when counseling one cycle of new models on ANTM. She knows to watch out for bad looks at awards shows. And yet she shows up at the Daytime Emmy’s in this gold … thing, all trussed up and squeezed in, and bulging in all the wrong places. Ty-Ty, there are reruns of Top Model on MTV and VH1 all the time – jot down a few notes and take your own advice! Quit lookin’ the fool on the red carpet!

I … huh. Why … why did she even bother to put on clothes? Don’t get me wrong, low slung waistbands are hot – especially on guys with great hipbones. Fergie’s got great hipbones, sure, but she’s basically … guys, she’s this close to showing off her va-jay-jay and I don’t understand. True, if I had abs like that, I’d show them off too, but this is just – I’m sorry, but even Brit’s little schoolgirl phase was more tasteful than this. Fergie’s got a sick body, but there are better ways to flaunt it. Maybe if the shirt was a little longer, with the bottom buttons opened, for instance. And I’m just not even going to touch the tiara, because if I did, I’d be too tempted to christening her the Pee Pee Princess, ala that very unfortunate concert accident…

I … don’t even know if I can write today’s blog. My eyes are bleeding a little, and my soul is weeping – but softly, but softly. I now officially believe in Friday the 13th, because seeing this picture has to be a form of punishment – so I’m sharing it with all of you. This is Kelly Clarkson. You know, the girl who won the first season of American Idol and starred in a movie that is now considered one of the worst in life. You can’t really tell, because she looks a little bit of Kirstie Alley – and I don’t mean that as an insult to either of them, but good grief. Don’t the folks over at American Idol groom their little winning show dogs – ahem, talent; I meant talent, but the keys are like right next to each other – in all ways? Aren’t they taught how to be fashionable right before they’re taught how to deal with their fifteen minutes of fame? Kelly looks huge. Maybe it’s the print, maybe it’s the silhouette of the dress – more likely, it’s a bit of both, but it isn’t flattering at all. It makes her look rather pear-shaped, and the loud design just draws attention to everything. Sweetheart, go burn that thing in effigy!

It makes Miss Fashion very sad to have to right this. Honestly, I love Drew Barrymore, she is one of my favorite actresses; I liked her when she was a boozed up five year old and I love her even more now. She is the epitome of class and beauty with a little bit of funky-chic sophistication thrown in for good measure … and this outfit does not do her justice at all. Drew has a beautiful figure and form-fitting clothing works for her a lot of the time. In fact, if not for the frilly sleeves and the belt, perhaps with longer sleeves and a lower neckline, this would make Drew look like a fiery-haired earth goddess, all voluptuous and sexy and gorgeous. But the combination of belt, sleeves, and the cut of the bodice is just all wrong – and while the, ahem, nip-tease is pretty exciting? Those are not the most stylish accessories.