Celebrity Fashion Disasters

Guys?  I have to be honest with you, I hate Kim Stewart.  It makes me sad because I love her dad.  I love her dad even more than my parents do, and they were actually alive and cognizant when Rod Stewart was popular.  But man, I hate his daughter.  Part of it is because she spends her time playing the retarded underdog to the hot mess that is Paris Hilton (riding off on a runaway cycle and flashing her stuff to a watching nation, anyone?).  Part of it is just her face – she looks just like her dad, man, and that’s bad.

Part of it is the fact that she does crap like this.  I mean hello?  It looks, to me, like she’s trying to look like Sam Ronson – you know, Lilo’s adorable, androgynous little paramour.  Plus, I’m sorry, but when your dress is so short it looks like a long shirt, it’s just a bit trashy to wear a coat that falls to the same length.  She looks like she’s going for classy but fell off the wagon somewhere.  Also, she gets major points off for allowing herself to get photographed in the same frame as someone wearing something so floral it makes my eyes bleed.

Okay, I … look.  I am kind of broken right now.  I … I like Parker Posey, all right?  She is – well, she’s kind of heinous looking most of the time and she has a mouth made to wear braces ala Best in Show.  However, she’s one heck of an actress and extremely funny.  Her performances in Christopher Guest’s movies (Best in Show, A Mighty Wind, For Your Consideration – among some of my favorite movies) are pure genius.  She is quirky.  It is awesome.

This outfit is quirky too.  But it is not awesome.  It is not even a fashion disaster.  It is a fashion debacle.  I mean … is she wearing cat whiskers?  What is that?  And what is that bag?  And what is the matter with that ribbon?  Is it caught in A Mighty Wind?  Or is it supposed to be stiff like that?  Maybe she uses it to stab people when they tell her that her top is too loose, her skirt is too tight, her straps are falling down, and it looks like she’s wearing cat whiskers and carrying a fluffy animal.

That is Lily Allen.  And that is Lily Allen’s dress.  They need to be introduced separately because, clearly, that dress is an entity all on its own. …unfortunately.

I have to be honest with you, I know who Lily Allen is?  And yet I have no clue who she actually is or what she does – besides making my job just a little bit easier.  There are so many things wrong with this thing that the term “celebrity fashion disaster” isn’t even good enough.  This is a celebrity fashion debacle.  So let’s dissect, shall we?

First of all, why so many layers, Lily?  Are you trying to make yourself look like a hippopotamus?  Because it’s working.  Actually, with that sash/belt/restraint around your waist, you also look like one of those big Christmas presents that your parents don’t even really bother wrapping, because it’s 5am on Christmas morning and they know you’re going to wake up in two minutes anyway.

Secondly, did you just pull down your shower curtain and wrap it around yourself, all willy nilly?  You did, didn’t you?  Aww … that’s sad.

Thirdly, where the hell did your neck go?  I know it’s there, but that pose makes it look like it’s not.  So I’m going to start calling you FrankenLily, and you’re going to like it.  Cow.