Oh, Mischa, Mischa, Mischa… Little Miss Barton is normally adorable. For someone who’s been known to rub elbows with the illustrious Paris Hilton, it’s not so surprising that the former star of the OC usually looks cool and trendy. Sure, she’s had a few slip ups, but none of them have been so disastrously bad. Maybe it’s the season for bad, seventies-style fashions, but something needs to give, because home girl looks like she’s channeling Cher – circa 1970 but without the legs to pull it off quite as well. Now, I’m not saying she has bad legs by any means – but Cher still has legs up to her butt, and Mischa’s look a little stumpy in this outfit. Maybe if the boots were a little taller; I’d say maybe if the skirt were a little shorter, but uh … I think we’ve seen quite enough celebrity crotch-shot’s for a while. And the purple fringe vest? I’m sorry. My vocabulary isn’t extensive enough to describe that hot mess.
Head’s up, my little fashionistas: we have a first. We’ve got a dude on the celebrity fashion disaster radar. Whether you’re still in the way-back machine and calling him Puff Daddy, Puffy, P. Diddy, Diddy, or plain old Sean, he’s evolved into a serious fashion forerunner all the years – I mean, this man is stylish … until he sees a red carpet, and then it’s like waving a red flag in front of a bull or something. Instead of charging, Diddy snags the first white tuxedo jacket he can find. Does he design them strictly for that purpose? Or maybe his next reality show is going to involve him putting together a team of cocktail waiters, and he just wants to be real with it. It’s just so … seventies. If he’d even just worn a black shirt with a black tie instead, it really could have worked, but this is just … cheesy.
Sigourney Weaver … she … well, geez. Just look at that. Do I really need to say anything? Of course I don’t … but when has that ever stopped me? After all, Miss Fashion (is someday going to be) famous for saying … typing … out loud what everyone else is secretly thinking. Miss Fashion is (going to be!) a voice for the people! Miss Fashion – is talking in the third-person again and got sidetracked, anyway.
I thought I’d be lamenting over all the debacles that showed up at the Daytime Emmy’s for weeks, but then came the premiere of Wall-E, and this happened. This … this heinous, hideous, eye-bleedingly bright concoction. Sigourney is usually so classic; her outfits usually match her cool, sophisticated good looks. There is usually the most subtle trace of hauteur in the way she looks, acts, speaks, and dresses – and then, there’s this. I can only assume that, since Wall-E is something of a kid’s movie, and light-spirited and fun anyway, she decided to try to appeal to them? But I think this will only appeal to children who are color blind. Royal blue and orange? At least the shirt makes her look thin … I guess…
Oh man. First of all, Miss Fashion here has to make something clear: I love Tyra Banks. I think she is an absolute goddess, not to mention an extremely strong woman – even though she does have a tendency to talk about herself a little too much. You know, like if you told her that once, when you were a kid, the Loch Ness Monster tried to eat you, she would say something like, “Oh wow! That reminds me of the time Armani took me to see The Cat in the Hat,” or something totally unrelated like that. But that’s all right, I forgive her ego. I cannot, however, forgive her fashion faux pas. See that purple dress? She used that as an example of what not to do on the red carpet, when counseling one cycle of new models on ANTM. She knows to watch out for bad looks at awards shows. And yet she shows up at the Daytime Emmy’s in this gold … thing, all trussed up and squeezed in, and bulging in all the wrong places. Ty-Ty, there are reruns of Top Model on MTV and VH1 all the time – jot down a few notes and take your own advice! Quit lookin’ the fool on the red carpet!
I … huh. Why … why did she even bother to put on clothes? Don’t get me wrong, low slung waistbands are hot – especially on guys with great hipbones. Fergie’s got great hipbones, sure, but she’s basically … guys, she’s this close to showing off her va-jay-jay and I don’t understand. True, if I had abs like that, I’d show them off too, but this is just – I’m sorry, but even Brit’s little schoolgirl phase was more tasteful than this. Fergie’s got a sick body, but there are better ways to flaunt it. Maybe if the shirt was a little longer, with the bottom buttons opened, for instance. And I’m just not even going to touch the tiara, because if I did, I’d be too tempted to christening her the Pee Pee Princess, ala that very unfortunate concert accident…
I … don’t even know if I can write today’s blog. My eyes are bleeding a little, and my soul is weeping – but softly, but softly. I now officially believe in Friday the 13th, because seeing this picture has to be a form of punishment – so I’m sharing it with all of you. This is Kelly Clarkson. You know, the girl who won the first season of American Idol and starred in a movie that is now considered one of the worst in life. You can’t really tell, because she looks a little bit of Kirstie Alley – and I don’t mean that as an insult to either of them, but good grief. Don’t the folks over at American Idol groom their little winning show dogs – ahem, talent; I meant talent, but the keys are like right next to each other – in all ways? Aren’t they taught how to be fashionable right before they’re taught how to deal with their fifteen minutes of fame? Kelly looks huge. Maybe it’s the print, maybe it’s the silhouette of the dress – more likely, it’s a bit of both, but it isn’t flattering at all. It makes her look rather pear-shaped, and the loud design just draws attention to everything. Sweetheart, go burn that thing in effigy!
It makes Miss Fashion very sad to have to right this. Honestly, I love Drew Barrymore, she is one of my favorite actresses; I liked her when she was a boozed up five year old and I love her even more now. She is the epitome of class and beauty with a little bit of funky-chic sophistication thrown in for good measure … and this outfit does not do her justice at all. Drew has a beautiful figure and form-fitting clothing works for her a lot of the time. In fact, if not for the frilly sleeves and the belt, perhaps with longer sleeves and a lower neckline, this would make Drew look like a fiery-haired earth goddess, all voluptuous and sexy and gorgeous. But the combination of belt, sleeves, and the cut of the bodice is just all wrong – and while the, ahem, nip-tease is pretty exciting? Those are not the most stylish accessories.
How does this happen? How do you go from Daisy Duke to Mom’s Hysterectomy Pants? Look: yours truly was born in the early 80s; her mom and all her friends wore these pants then. They are Mom Jeans. MadTV has done awful, truthful sketches on them. They’re the female version of old-man pants. Theoretically, Jessica could be using her waistband as a support system for her infamous chest-works. Back in the day they worked all right because they made moms feel slimmer. The problem is Jess is already slender, and now it looks like she’s smuggling a tumor under there.
You knew it was coming. It is inevitable as the sunrise – Sarah Jessica Parker. She has spent more than twenty years evolving from the geek on Square Pegs to the classy queen we know her has today. She is immortalized as Carrie Bradshaw, the epitome of high style and taste – and then she has the audacity, the balls, to go out of the house looking like this. I had a Barbie doll with that same outfit – in the eighties. Baby blue, metallic lilac: it looks like an Easter egg threw up on a marshmallow, and she put on the results.
What in the world made Tom Cruise let Katie (oops, sorry – Kate) Holmes walk out of the house dressed like this? Because it is painfully obvious to the entire world that Tom picks out her clothes, chooses what make-up she’s wearing, and decides how she’s going to style her hair. Maybe I’m seriously behind the times or, you know, not frigging crazy – is the Church of Scientology imparting a new dress-code for its girls? No, no, that’s an unfair, hurtful, and stereotypical thing to say. I bet she’s just smuggling Suri in that bag, that’s all – or maybe it’s Tom!
